Here Without You Read online

A pang of sadness and guilt had me reaching for my sister’s hand and giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Ron.”

  She squeezed my hand in response. “It’s okay, Anna. We’re here now.”

  We laid side by side on the bow, the gentle waves of the lake swaying the boat slightly. My head was tipped to face Ronnie, hers was tilted to face mine. I smiled at my sister, relishing those final few days I’d get to spend with her before I moved to California.

  One moment, I was lying there with my sister.

  The next…

  The next moment I was back in Lakeside Mall.

  On the floor, curled tightly into myself. My hands were wrapped around the back of my head and neck.

  The only thing missing was Ryan.

  He wasn’t there to protect me this time.

  ~ 26 ~

  Ryan

  “I’ll be down in a minute,” I told Rogers as I slipped into the coms room.

  We were meeting Gordon and Chambers for poker, but I hadn’t gotten a message from Anna since before the Fourth of July, and I was worried. I thought she was distancing herself from me before, but she’d said she was just busy with college stuff. I believed her, I didn’t have any reason not to. But three days had passed since her last message. I sent her two messages, and she didn’t respond to either of them. If there wasn’t a message from her in my inbox, I was reaching out to Ronnie. Enough was enough. I wasn’t letting her push me away. Not again.

  I logged online and pulled up my email.

  Nothing.

  Well, nothing from Anna, but there was an email from Ronnie marked as urgent.

  Dread filled me. Why would Ronnie be messaging me? Why now? Why after three days of no contact from Anna?

  Shit.

  Clicking the message, I braced myself for bad news as I waited for it to open.

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Veronica Romano

  Subject: Urgent!

  Ryan,

  Please call me on Skype as soon as you can. It’s for Anna and it’s important. Please.

  Ronnie

  Wasting no time, I closed the email window and logged onto Skype. Ronnie and I had talked on Skype before, so I clicked her name and called her right away.

  “Ryan, thank God,” Ronnie said as soon as the call connected. I couldn’t see her, the room she was in was completely dark. I knew it was late there, maybe 9:30. She must have flipped a switch, because a dim light suddenly filled the room behind her. Anna’s room.

  “What’s going on?” Ronnie sighed. She looked exhausted. Exhausted and defeated. “Is Anna okay?”

  “Everything was fine. We were having a great day at the lake. Anna was her old self again, laughing and joking and playing games. We were lying on the bow of the boat talking, waiting for the fireworks to start, then all of a sudden she was curled up in a ball and freaking out.” Tears spilled down Ronnie’s cheeks as she recalled what happened. “She’s back in that place, Ryan.”

  Fuck. I couldn’t let her go back there…I couldn’t lose her again.

  My mind raced back to that day. That horrible day I went to surprise my girlfriend at the mall. She’d been there to help Ronnie pick out a prom dress. I’d needed new sneakers, so I decided to hijack their girls’ day.

  After spending almost an hour of trying on different pairs of cross trainers, I finally gave up and left the shoe store. I ordered a large lemonade from the stand outside the store. I loved fresh lemonade; it was all about the pulp. Anna hated pulp.

  Anna.

  I couldn’t wait to see her. I just saw her the night before, but it was never enough. The best part about it? She felt the same way. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It was hot. She was hot.

  I paid for my drink and headed to the spot in the food court where Anna texted she’d be. I was eager to get my hands on my girl. As I rounded the final corner, dining tables in sight, a gun shot rang out, echoing off the glass and marble.

  People began screaming and running, bumping into me as they fled the area. My survival instincts kicked in, and my brain told me to run, too.

  But I had only one thing on my mind…Anna.

  I ran towards the chaos, looking across the wide space, trying to spot her.

  There she was, standing right in front of the coffee shop, exactly where she said we’d meet. She was frozen in place, glass shattering beside her. She didn’t even flinch. Shock had frozen her body.

  “Get down,” I yelled, but she couldn’t hear me.

  It felt like hours went by, but in reality, it hadn’t even been a minute since the first shot rang out.

  Seconds later, I collided with Anna and brought her down to the ground. She fought me, yelling incomprehensibly through her tears. I whispered in her ear, telling her I’d keep her safe over and over until she finally relaxed in my arms.

  I’d been too late that day. The damage had already been done, and Anna would never be the same. As well as she may seem, that terrified girl from the mall was still inside her.

  It wasn’t difficult to deduce that the sound of the fireworks sent Anna right back to that day at the mall. I never experienced PTSD firsthand, but you heard enough about it in the military. Everyone either knew a guy or knew a guy who knew a guy.

  “Let me see her,” I told Ronnie. “I want to talk to her.”

  Ronnie nodded. “That’s why I emailed you. I think you might be the only one to pull her out of this. Dr. Matson has been by, but Anna wouldn’t talk to her. She just lays in her bed, either sleeping or staring at the wall. I just got my sister back--” Ronnie’s soft sobs cut her off. She must have set her iPad on her lap because I was getting a view of the ceiling fan as she rolled her chair to Anna’s bedside.

  I heard some rustling and the iPad moved around before it stilled. She must have propped the tablet against something because I was soon looking right at her sleeping face. Her head was resting on her pillow, and I could see her anguish, even in sleep. She looked tortured.

  “Anna,” Ronnie called out softly. “Open your eyes.” Anna’s eyes fluttered but stayed shut. “Ryan’s on the phone.”

  “Hey, baby,” I said, and her eyes slowly popped open, glassy with tears.

  “Ryan,” she whispered.

  “Hi.”

  A few big tears slipped from her eyes as she gazed blankly at me. “I was so scared,” she said, her voice so low I could barely hear her. “I was so scared, and you weren’t there.”

  Fuck.

  That gutted me.

  “I know, baby. But I’m here now. Talk to me.”

  “I heard the gunshots. I called for you, but you didn’t come. I covered my head like you did. I was so scared.”

  “Baby, you know it wasn’t really gunshots, right? You weren’t at the mall. You were on the boat with your parents and Ronnie. The sound you heard, it was fireworks.”

  Her eyebrows scrunched together like she couldn’t quite believe what I was telling her. It would have been cute if she wasn’t so damn wrecked. I wanted to be laying on that bed beside her with my arms wrapped around her.

  “Baby, you had a flashback. The fireworks were loud and reminded you of the sound of the gunshots, but it wasn’t real.” She shook her head, and I nodded in return.

  “No,” she argued. “It was real.”

  “I know it seemed that way, but it wasn’t real. It was in your head.”

  “I didn’t make it up,” she snapped.

  “I know you didn’t. It’s just a memory, Anna. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, it just wasn’t real the other day.” She shook her head again, her expression disbelieving. “Have I ever lied to you, Anna?” I asked, cursing myself as I thought of my daughter and the truth I hadn’t shared with Anna.

  “No,” she replied in a small voice.

  “I’m not lying to you now.”

  Her eyes searched mine, they looked for the truth. I saw the moment she found it, her entire being sagging in defeat.

  “I thought I was better,” she whimp
ered, the tears flowing again.

  “You are better, Anna. You are. There may always be things that remind you of that day. You need to let Dr. Matson help you. She’s helped you with a lot of other things, she’ll help you with this, don't you think?”

  Anna nodded, and I exhaled a breath in relief.

  We were not losing her to her mind again. Not this time.

  “It’s late; why don’t you go to sleep and go see Dr. Matson in the morning?”

  “Okay,” she said, her voice quiet. She looked down, away from the screen. I got the feeling she was holding something back. I didn’t want us to hold anything back anymore.

  “What is it?” I asked. Her eyes darted to mine. “I know you, baby. What aren’t you saying?”

  She glanced behind me—well, behind the iPad—to where I guessed Ronnie still sat.

  “I’m going, I’m going,” I heard Ronnie say.

  Anna looked down again, and I waited. I wouldn't rush her. Not now.

  Then, she looked into my eyes with complete clarity and said, “I love you.”

  I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my face. “I love you, too, baby. I love you so much.”

  She smiled, and I decided I'd never get sick of seeing her smile. Ever.

  “Go to bed, A. Get some sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

  She nodded. “Good night, Ryan.”

  “Good night, gorgeous.”

  I disconnected and the call window disappeared. I was still grinning at the computer like an idiot, though, and I imagined that wouldn’t change anytime soon.

  “That was some pretty serious shit,” Rogers said, and I jumped a good foot off the chair.

  “What the fuck, man?” I asked, swiveling the chair around to face him.

  “Sorry,” he said, holding his hands up in front of him. “I came to see what the hell was taking you so long. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

  “So you just watched?” I asked, pissed as hell at him. I turned back to the computer and shut it down, then stood and confronted him, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

  “You love her?” He asked, ignoring my question.

  “I always have.”

  “She’s pretty. Prettier than that picture you keep in your wallet.”

  “What the hell are you doing in my wallet?” I asked, appreciating that he wasn’t going to try to get into the heavy stuff he’d overheard.

  “How do you think I pay for half the pizzas I order at home?”

  “Asshole,” I muttered, pushing past him and out to the hall. He was hot on my trail.

  “She gonna be okay?” he asked after a moment.

  “I hope so.”

  “I didn’t realize...when you said you were talking to her again I got kind of pissed. I thought you were an idiot to open that box back up again after what she did to you, but I think I get it now.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah,” he said, nodding his head. “Look, man, we don’t do this heart to heart shit. It’s not our style. But that’s some heavy shit, and if you ever need to talk about it, I’m here. Can't have all that bogging you down. You need an outlet, you come to me.”

  A tip of my chin let him know I understood what he was saying, and we didn’t speak about it again. I appreciated that my brother was there if I needed him, but we weren't about to hug it out or anything.

  We met Gordon and Chambers in the lounge and spent the next couple hours playing poker for pretzels.

  ~ 27 ~

  Anna

  California was beautiful—everything I'd ever expected and more—if that was even possible. I took a long road getting there, literally and figuratively, but I made it, albeit six weeks later than I’d planned due to my mental regression. I was absolutely in love with my new home.

  The day after I’d talked to Ryan, I went to see Dr. Matson, who immediately put me through intensive exposure therapy. In short, it was a crash course in dealing with loud noises without turning into a shriveling mess. It was the worst four weeks of my life, but it was necessary. I'd probably still be hiding in my bedroom at home if it wasn’t for the therapy. My reaction was completely unexpected, I hadn’t displayed many anxiety symptoms since the shooting—nothing had triggered that kind of reaction in me before. My symptoms were centered on depression, so that’s where Dr. Matson focused my therapy. Sure, I’d jump when a door slammed, or if there was a loud bang, but who didn’t? I’d never experienced a sound as loud as the fireworks…so closely resembling the gunshots. I didn’t know that would happen, and I felt horribly guilty for putting my family through that. It made it even more difficult for them to leave me here in California, I was sure of that.

  Which is probably why Mom was spending the week with her cousin and hadn’t gone home yet.

  I ended up arriving in San Diego just in time to move into the dorms with the other freshmen. At the moment, I was sitting on my freshly made twin bed, waiting for my roommate to arrive. We’d emailed, but hadn’t met yet, and I was looking forward to meeting Megan.

  As if I’d conjured her with my thoughts alone, the dorm room door swung open and a tall brunette with a big smile was standing before me. She was dressed in pale pink capri pants, a white t-shirt, and white sandals. Her tan looked like she spent the entire summer on the beach. She was gorgeous, and I suddenly felt so ordinary in my denim shorts, graphic tee, and black Chucks.

  “Anna?!” She exclaimed in her sweet—and slightly high-pitched—voice. That would take some getting used to.

  “Megan?” I asked, standing up. I brushed the front of my shorts, smoothing them out. A nervous habit.

  “The one and only! It’s so good to meet you. Gosh, you’re gorgeous.” She dropped her bags on the floor and threw her arms around my neck.

  Okay. She was a hugger. I could handle that. I’d handled worse. And she thought I was gorgeous, another point for Megan, even if she needed glasses.

  “I’m so excited,” she squealed, stepping back, but keeping her hands on my shoulders.

  “Are your parents here?”

  “They’re parking the car,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I told them you and I had bonding time planned for lunch, so they won’t stay after we unload.”

  “I don’t mind,” I told her. I missed my parents and sister already and they hadn’t been gone but a few hours. I didn’t want her to pass up time with her family just for me.

  “They’ve been unnaturally clingy the past few weeks. I love them to pieces, but I need some me time.” She looked around the room, taking in the decor Ronnie had helped me set up. Well, it was more like she directed, and I followed her instructions. I was glad I ended up with a first floor room to accommodate my sister.

  “Sorry I went ahead and put everything up. My sister wanted to help.”

  “It looks great,” she said, still smiling that beauty queen smile. She paused, noticing the frame on my nightstand and walked over, picking it up. “Who’s this?”

  It was a picture of me and Ryan from his graduation. He looked so handsome in his cap and gown, the shade of blue made his eyes the brightest I'd never seen them.

  “That’s Ryan. My boyfriend,” I boldly added, knowing that even though we’d exchanged I love yous, we hadn’t yet defined our relationship.

  “He’s hot. You look different here though. Was it taken a while ago?”

  “Yes,” I said, stepping over to where she was standing and taking the frame from her hands. Ryan’s eyes sparkled up at me, and I grinned, missing his face. “It was his high school graduation. He’s a year older than me. He graduated six years ago.” Before everything went to hell.

  “That’s right. I forgot you said you’d been out of high school a while. Five years, huh? That’s a long time.”

  I could tell she was digging for info. I didn’t know how much I wanted my new roommate to know about my past. Thanks to Dr. Matson, I was much less ashamed of my choices, but I also didn’t want to freak Megan out on our first day together. Baby s
teps.

  “Some things happened, and I needed some time is all.” I set the frame back on the nightstand and gave her a shy smile, hoping she’d change the subject.

  “You get knocked up or something?” Megan asked, startling me so much I barked out a laugh.

  “What? No!”

  She just shrugged. “So that means you’re like…twenty three?”

  “Twenty-two,” I corrected, feeling a little self-conscious of the age difference. I was at least four years older than most of the students in the freshman class. That wasn’t awkward…not at all.

  Megan’s grin stretched from ear to ear. “Awesome! You can buy all the alcohol!”

  I rolled my eyes inwardly. Yeah…awesome.

  Fortunately, before Megan could start writing down the list of her favorite types of alcohol, we were interrupted by her parents’ arrival. She was in the middle of spouting off brands of liquor I had never heard of as it was. Yes, I’d had a few drinks here and there over the years—both before and after turning twenty-one—but it was usually when I’d sneak one of my dad’s beers with Ryan or Ronnie, or drown in a cheap bottle of wine after a horrible day at one of the many diners I’d worked at through the years. I’d never tried fruit flavored vodka or cinnamon anything.

  Megan’s parents—Mr. and Mrs. Barstow—were kind, nurturing people. They reminded me so much of my own parents, it made me miss them all over again. It didn’t seem like that little pang in my chest was ever going to go away. In the hour the Barstows were in our room unloading Megan’s things, they must have told her they loved her and were proud of her at least twenty times. Megan didn’t seem to appreciate their doting as much as I did, years of being away from my family did that to me, resulting in my appreciation of every moment with my parents.

  Mr. and Mrs. Barstow left just before noon, promising to be back in a few hours to pick Megan up for dinner as they were taking a redeye back to Florida that evening. I could tell Megan’s mother didn’t want to leave her, but her dad insisted they see some of the city and let us girls have some bonding time.