Here Without You Read online

  He looked amazing. My eyes darted across his face as I took in the light stubble on his jawline, his high and tight haircut, and serious eyes accented by dramatic eyebrows. The boy turned into a man, and a handsome one at that. He was big…muscular, too. He filled out the chest of his grey long-sleeved t-shirt, and the sleeves of his unzipped coat hugged his biceps. His jeans were loose in some spots, but tight around his thighs and calves.

  His study of me was unnerving, it was like he was memorizing every last bit of me. I cowered under his scrutiny, which only made his frown deepen. Huddling down into my too thin fleece, I looked anywhere but at him, hating that he was seeing me like that. What did he think of me?

  Ryan didn’t say another word, just tugged on the arm that was still in his grasp and pulled me into his chest. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and the other around my waist and held me tight. He didn’t let go for several long minutes. So long that I heard the bus come and go a few paces away. I didn’t want to leave his embrace either.

  It felt like…home. I missed home.

  “Jesus, Anna,” he said finally, rubbing my back and running a hand through my hair. “I never thought I’d see you again.”

  I wanted to return the sentiment, but I couldn’t speak. I was still so entranced by this moment.

  He pulled away from me, and I was cold once again. “Don’t cry,” he said, using his thumbs to wipe under my eyes. I hadn’t realized I was crying. “What are you doing here? Do you live nearby?”

  I shook my head, still not finding my voice.

  He looked at my clothes. “Are you just leaving work? Can I walk you to your car?”

  “I don’t have a car,” I said, breaking my silence. His brows furrowed in question, and I responded, “I take the bus.”

  “That bus?” he asked, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at the bus driving farther down the street.

  I nodded.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, remorse filling his voice.

  Shrugging, I told him it was okay. And, oddly, it was okay. Had I not been with Ryan, had I been alone—or worse, with someone else—I would have been in a full on panic. With him I felt safe. I always had.

  He grabbed the back of his neck with his hand and looked strained. “I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t have a car here. I’m only in town for a few days. A buddy of mine is getting married,” he explained, nodding back to the group of guys standing in front of the bar.

  “I can call a cab,” I said, even though the fare would diminish the tips I made tonight. I really couldn’t afford it, but I couldn’t exactly walk home, not in this weather at least.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk first? Maybe grab some coffee?” he asked. Then he chuckled. “I feel like if I let you out of my sight, I’ll never see you again. Your parents have been worried sick about you. I…I’ve been worried, too.”

  Coffee was the last thing I wanted after serving it throughout my shift at the diner. Why people got coffee in the evening was beyond me anyway. I didn’t think it was wise to have that much caffeine at night.

  “I don’t really want coffee,” I admitted quietly.

  “Yeah…me either. I just don’t want to let you go yet.”

  I’d spent five years building a wall around my heart, and in one short moment, he cracked it. Just a small, tiny fissure, but it was there.

  “Your friends—”

  “They can wait,” he cut me off, his firm tone leaving no room for negotiation.

  I glanced over his shoulder at his friends. They were all built similarly to him, probably guys he knew from the Navy. They were looking our way, not trying to hide their interest. Subtly was not their strong suit.

  “We can go to your place,” he offered, but quickly changed directions when my eyes widened, and I began to shake my head. “Or my hotel…it’s right around the corner. There’s a seating area off the lobby. We can just talk.”

  “Yeah…okay,” I agreed, and he smiled a bright Ryan smile. I missed those smiles.

  “Let me just tell the guys. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere,” he held his hands out in front of him, handling me like an animal control agent would manage a wounded dog.

  He jogged over to his friends, speaking to them and gesturing to me. They looked my way and nodded, patting him on the back before walking into the bar. Then he jogged back up the sidewalk to me, reaching out his hand.

  “You ready?”

  Was I ready? I wasn’t sure, because I knew…I just knew…everything was about to change.

  ~ 2 ~

  Ryan

  Holding Anna’s hand tightly in mine, I led her to my hotel. I kept looking behind me, making sure it really was her, and she was really here.

  My Anna.

  No, not my Anna, I corrected myself. Not anymore.

  Mikey wasn’t exactly thrilled when I told him I was leaving his bachelor party for a woman, but when I’d explained who the woman was, his eyes widened in surprise. He knew all about Anna—all the guys did—and they understood my need to be with her right now.

  She looked so different…so unwell. Five years ago, she looked like she had been through hell, but today…I wasn't sure I wanted to know what she'd been doing since she was gone. I didn’t think I could handle it. The idea of her struggling…suffering…it was all too much.

  I pulled her through the sliding doors and into the seating area off to the side of the lobby, and the warmth of the space began to thaw me out. Seattle in December was no joke. Anna must have been freezing in that little fleece jacket she wore. I led her to a small round table with two low chairs.

  When she sat down, her shoulders slumped forward and she kept her hands in her lap. She was so withdrawn and skittish. I was afraid that one wrong word or move on my part would send her running; now that I’d found her, I wasn’t letting her get away. I was determined to get her back home to her parents. They’d been absolutely sick with worry since she disappeared. Ronnie said she’d needed to get away, but that was bullshit. She hadn’t been present enough back then to need to get away.

  Anna wanted to hide, and I’d be damned if I was going to let her hide for another minute. It was the end of the road for all that.

  “Do you want something to eat or drink?” I asked. The lobby had a small market with soft drinks and snacks.

  She shook her head in response, still avoiding eye contact. I’d fix that.

  “Can you look at me?”

  She stiffened slightly, then lifted her head and looked at me. Hazel eyes that used to sparkle shades of gold and green gazed back at me dully. She looked…hollow.

  “Are you okay?” I had to know

  She nodded, still not speaking.

  “Can you talk to me?”

  “What do you want me to say?” she asked, her voice low and quiet. She sounded like her, only different. Worn out--defeated.

  “Anything. Tell me anything. Where have you been?”

  She looked down to her lap again. She was twisting her hands roughly in her lap, and I was afraid she’d break a finger. Why was she so nervous?

  “A few places,” she finally answered. “I’ve been in Seattle almost three years now.”

  “Three years, wow. You must like it here,” I offered, just trying to get her to keep talking.

  “It’s okay,” she shrugged. She was trying to act indifferent, but I knew better. At least I used to.

  “How are you really, Anna? Are you okay?”

  When her bottom lip quivered, I was ready to jump out of my chair and hold her. I’d always hated seeing Anna upset, but at that moment, she was like a frightened cat. I was terrified she’d spook, then run off to disappear again.

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  Liar.

  “Anna…we’ve known each other a long time. You know I can tell when you’re lying to me.”

  She froze.

  “I’m not here to harm you, you know that, right? I just want to help you.”

  She nodded. It was
slight, but it was there, and I took that as a small win.

  “Are you safe?” I asked, not sure I was ready for the answer.

  “Yes,” she answered.

  I exhaled with relief. “That’s good. That’s really good.” I took in what she was wearing, an old-fashioned diner dresses. “You work at a diner?” I prodded.

  “Yes.”

  Still with the one word responses. She wasn’t making this easy.

  “Your parents really miss you. Ronnie, too.”

  “You still talk to them?” she asked, her voice soft.

  “Once a month I call to check in.”

  She met my eyes, hers questioning. “Every month?”

  I nodded. “Just about.”

  “Why?” she asked. I didn’t know why she was so surprised. I’d always been close with her parents.

  “To see if they’ve heard from you. You should call them. The emails you send aren’t enough.”

  She looked down again. “I wouldn’t even know what to say,” she said eventually.

  “Hi. I love you. Fuck off. I’m pretty sure they’d be so excited to hear your voice, they wouldn’t even care what the words were.”

  “They reply to my emails…but I don’t read them.”

  “Why not?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing her too hard.

  “Because I don’t want to feel.” She said the words so quietly; I almost wasn’t sure if she’d said them at all.

  “Don’t want to feel what?”

  “Anything.”

  Watching a tear fall from her eye down to her lap, I couldn’t resist anymore. I stood from my chair and moved the short distance around the table to her. Kneeling down, I pulled her into my arms. Once she was in the safety of my embrace, she broke down. Big sobs wracked through her body and she trembled. I whispered assurances in her ear and rubbed her back, but it didn’t seem like she’d ever stop.

  She was breaking my heart all over again.

  “I’m so sorry,” she choked out.

  “Don’t be. You have no reason to be sorry.”

  “I hate my life, Ryan. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I have no clue. I’m lost, so incredibly lost. I don’t know what to do. I’m all alone.”

  “You’re not alone, A,” I took a risk, using her nickname, but she didn’t pull away. “I’m here. I want to help you, if you’ll let me.”

  “I…” she trailed off.

  “What?” I asked, pulling back and placing my fingers under her chin to lift her face. The desolate look in her eyes almost did me in.

  “I want to go home,” she said, as more tears spilled from her eyes.

  Gutted our moment was ending so soon, I nodded and began to rise. “I can get you a cab.”

  She shook her head. “No, not to my apartment. I want to go home.”

  Realization dawned on me when she stressed the word “home.” She wanted to return to Lakeside, to her family. Unable to hold back, I grinned and kissed her forehead. “Then let’s get you home.”

  “But I…” she hesitated.

  “What is it?”

  “I don’t have the money,” she said, studying the faux wood tabletop.

  “I’ll take care of it.”

  “I can’t let you do that.”

  “You’re not letting me do anything. I’m offering. I want to.” My tone left no room for argument, fortunately she seemed to understand that. If money was the only thing stopping her from returning home, I’d simply remove that obstacle. There once was a time when I would have done anything for this girl, and my actions that night, along with the feeling in my gut, made me question whether that had changed at all.

  “What if they don’t want me back?” Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.

  Shaking my head at her, I chuckled. Either she was trying to come up with excuses not to face the past, or she really had no clue. “Have you been listening to me at all? Your family misses you. They’ve been crazy with worry. Trust me, Anna. All they want is for you to come home.”

  She blinked and a few more tears dropped down her cheeks, then she nodded.

  I stood and reached a hand out to her. “Let’s go home.”

  ~ 3 ~

  Anna

  The flight attendant’s voice came over the speaker, asking passengers to lift their tray tables and stow their belongings in preparation for landing. I didn’t have to follow her directions as I did nothing the entire flight but wring my hands, a nervous habit I’d picked up the moment I sat in the cab that took me away from Lakeside.

  Ryan put away his laptop and snapped his tray back in place. He glanced over at me, then silently took my hand.

  “It’ll be okay. They’ll be thrilled,” he said after a moment.

  Nodding absently, I thought about my family. My parents didn’t know I was coming. I’d asked Ryan not to call them. I didn’t tell him it was because I didn’t want them to have any false hope. I made the decision to go home, and I was on the plane, but that was only half the battle. I still had to make it to their house from the airport.

  “Seriously, Anna. Whatever you’re afraid of…don’t be. Your family loves you.”

  Ryan had been so good to me since he found me on the sidewalk a couple nights ago. He cut his weekend with his friends short to take the cross country flight with me. Leaving me at my apartment the night he’d found me, he promised he’d be back after the wedding the next day, and that we’d catch the first flight out. If he hadn’t been a groomsman in the wedding, he would have taken me home that moment.

  I was thankful he had to attend the wedding because, to be honest, I’d needed the time to get my head straight. Everything happened so quickly—changed so quickly—since I’d bumped into him on the street. I’d felt like I was trapped in a washing machine stuck on the spin cycle. I needed time to process the fact that I was going home, and I needed to tie up my few loose ends.

  While Ryan was at the wedding, I spent the day packing my few meager belongings. The furniture, appliances, and kitchenware belonged to the apartment, so I didn’t have much. I packed some of my clothes into a backpack and set the rest of the things I’d accumulated over the years—the rest of my clothes and some linens—into a trash bag, which I dropped in a donation bin near my apartment. I also gave notice to my landlord and boss. Neither had cared much—I had a month-to-month lease on the small studio apartment, and my boss was used to people coming and going.

  Ryan had shown up at midnight, and we took a cab to the airport. He purchased tickets for the next flight out—one that left first thing in the morning—and after a quick changeover in Atlanta, we were getting ready to land in Lakeside. It was past dinner time, but I couldn’t fathom the idea of food anyway. The peanuts the flight attendant had handed out hours ago were sitting like lead in my stomach.

  Looking out the small window of the airplane, seeing the ground rush up to meet me, I knew Ryan was right. My family would be happy to see me, and they would welcome me back with open arms, but I wasn’t just nervous about that. Returning home meant I finally had to get help.

  Was I ready for that?

  The plane touched down and Ryan squeezed my hand once more.

  Ready or not…

  ***

  Ryan pulled his rental car into the driveway of my parents’ home. I hadn’t been here in more than four years, and it looked exactly the same. The two story colonial with snow white shingles and hunter green shutters was welcoming. It had always been a sanctuary for me…until nothing was.

  The house held some of my fondest memories but also my saddest. Some of the dark days I couldn’t even remember. The last time I was in that house, I sent Ryan away and later hurt myself. I still had no recollection of harming myself—I wasn’t sure I wanted to remember.

  “Are you ready?”

  I stared through the windshield at what used to be my bedroom window and nodded. I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

  “Good, because here they come,” he nodded towards the house.<
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  My eyes flashed to the front porch. My father stood in the doorway with my mother behind him. They looked concerned, probably wondering who was arriving unexpectedly at their house that late, since they wouldn’t recognize the rental car.

  Ryan opened his door and stepped out. My parents smiled when they saw him and started moving down the walkway to greet him. I took a deep breath and opened my door. The sound caught their attention, and they stopped walking as they looked over to where I was standing. My mother raised one hand to her mouth as her eyes widened in surprise.

  “Anna?” she cried. “Is that really you, sweetie?”

  I nodded, unable to find my voice and took a small, nervous step towards them. They looked between Ryan and me, as if they couldn’t believe their eyes. Then suddenly, my mother laughed. She laughed, and then she was running. Once she reached me, she embraced me like she might never let me go.

  “I can’t believe it,” she repeated, over and over again. “My baby girl is home.”

  She pulled away, framing my face in her hands and looking at me with absolute, unconditional love. I looked into her eyes—hazel eyes that matched mine—and took in her fine, delicate features. She had more lines around her eyes and a few grey hairs scattered throughout her blonde hair, but she was still beautiful.

  “Happy birthday, sweet girl,” she finally said.

  My breath caught. It was my birthday. I’d forgotten. I hadn’t celebrated the day in years, not since before the shooting. I looked over to Ryan, who was talking to my dad, and he gave me a small smile. Had he remembered it was my birthday?

  “Come, come inside,” my mother urged, putting her arm around my shoulders and walking me towards the house. “Veronica was reading in bed. She’s probably beside herself wondering what all the fuss is about. She’ll be so happy to see you.”

  Just as I was about to walk through the front door, a heavy hand on my shoulder stopped me. I turned around to face my dad. He examined me, taking me in from head to toe, then he pulled me into his chest, cradling my head with his hand.