Here Without You Read online

  I never questioned her, I didn’t have a reason to. She was a successful woman, five years older than me and had no reason to try to trap a young, broke enlistee. The pregnancy was as much an inconvenience for her as it was to me, but we owned it. We tried a relationship—went out on one date—and it just wasn’t happening. The drunken chemistry we’d shared was non-existent sober. Six months later, Charlotte Elise was born, and our worlds were never the same.

  Fortunately, she worked from home designing websites, so she could live anywhere. When I left Washington State for Virginia, she and Charlotte were able to come with me. Now, I moved them to California. It couldn’t have been easy on her, but she didn’t have any close family, so she always insisted it was fine.

  “Thanks for doing this, Kels.”

  “No problem. Charlotte should be near her dad. I’m not saying I’ll be able to follow you every time you move. Once Charlotte is in school, it’ll be more difficult.”

  “And you might meet someone someday.”

  “Yeah,” she laughed. “There’s just a line of guys out there looking for a woman with a toddler.”

  “You never know,” I told her.

  “Yeah, well, when the time comes, you’ll be the first to know.”

  I nodded, still smiling at the screen. “I know.”

  “Have you heard from Anna?” Kelsey asked, a softer look on her face.

  Over the years, Kelsey had become a good friend, maybe even a best friend. I told her all about Anna, our reunion, and the emails. It helped to have a female perspective sometimes, especially since I couldn’t talk about this kind of thing with Rogers.

  “Yeah, I was just reading an email from her before I called you.”

  “And?”

  Maybe Kelsey could give me advice on how to reply to Anna’s message. The innuendo seemed so clear, but still I was at a loss. I decided to tell Kelsey what Anna said, and we spent the rest of the time before Charlotte’s bath time talking about my feelings and what I should say to her.

  I should have probably hung up my man card right then and there.

  ~ 16 ~

  Anna

  Ryan took two days to respond to my email. I spent those days cursing myself for mentioning the Alaskan cruise and what happened after. I cursed Ronnie, too, for suggesting it. I just knew I’d scared him away.

  But then he wrote back…and what he said blew me away.

  It was the best night of my life.

  I couldn’t remember what the rest of his message said. I re-read those eight words over and over again. I’d thrown the innuendo out there, he caught it, and threw it back. What happened next?

  Where did I go from there?

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: Package

  Dear Ryan,

  Have you received the package I sent you yet? It’s another sketch I thought you might like. I’m just wondering how long it takes for things to get from here to there. Things here have been good. I’m just waiting on the results of my GED exam so I can apply to art school. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?

  Anna

  Avoidance.

  That was how I was going to handle it. Real mature, Anna. Real mature.

  I quickly added a PS.

  PS All my memories with you took place on the best days of my life.

  Before I had the chance to second guess myself, I hit send.

  ***

  I spent the afternoon reviewing the application process for Braddock Art Institute. I’d have to look into my portfolio to see if I had pieces that would match their submission requirements, otherwise I’d have to create some new things.

  Technically, I couldn’t apply until October, which was a long ways away—and even then it would be for admission the following fall—but my old high school art teacher, Mrs. Martin, had some connections in the school’s art department, and was going to explain my situation to see if she could pull some strings. I hated using my victim status to get something, but I wanted this so badly. If I could end up in art school an entire year early, I would do volunteer work for the rest of my life.

  Which reminded me…next stop on the internet, soup kitchens near Braddock. I fully intended to continue my volunteer work, even if I wasn’t able to do it as frequently due to my class schedule.

  My computer pinged, and I saw it was the messenger app linked to my email provider. I never used it before, so I wasn’t quite sure how it worked, but I saw a little green icon blinking, so I clicked it.

  A message from Ryan popped up.

  Ryan Jacobs: PS? Really?

  What was he talking about? PS?

  Wracking my memory, I finally remembered and my hands flew up to my mouth as my eyes widened. I couldn’t believe he was confronting me about it!

  Anna Romano: I was really concerned about the package.

  Ryan Jacobs: Uh huh.

  Anna Romano: Have you gotten it yet?

  Ryan Jacobs: No, it can take weeks. I told you that.

  He did tell me that, and it had only been a little more than seven days since I’d sent it.

  Anna Romano: Okay.

  Ryan Jacobs: Can we talk about what we’re not talking about?

  Anna Romano: I guess so.

  The conversation was so weird, but it shouldn’t be. I was talking to Ryan! I’d always been able to talk to him about anything. It was different now, though. I felt like a teenage girl with a crush, something we hadn’t had in the beginning since we jumped right into dating.

  A friendship…then a crush…that was the natural path things like this took, right?

  The computer pinged again.

  Ryan Jacobs: This shouldn’t be weird.

  Anna Romano: That’s what I was just thinking!

  Ryan Jacobs: Great minds…

  Anna Romano: Yeah.

  Ryan Jacobs: What are you thinking about?

  Anna Romano: What do you mean?

  Ryan Jacobs: About us. You and me. What are you thinking about us? What do you want us to be?

  Anna Romano: I don’t know, Ryan. I’m a little confused.

  Ryan Jacobs: Me too.

  At least I wasn’t the only one.

  It was all so surreal. I hadn’t expected him to want to talk about it. I thought it would be a little harmless enquiring. Ryan always was direct, though.

  I just had to be honest, right?

  Anna Romano: I know I care a lot about you, and I miss you. I miss how easy things used to be.

  Ryan Jacobs: Why’d you mention the cruise?

  Anna Romano: I’m so embarrassed, Ryan. That’s Ronnie’s fault.

  Ryan Jacobs: Explain?

  Anna Romano: This is so embarrassing.

  Anna Romano: Okay, so we were talking the other day and she asked about you. She knows there’s nothing going on between us, I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship, that I wanted to focus on getting better. She asked if I still had feelings for you.

  Ryan Jacobs: And?

  My face flushed with embarrassment. Yeah, Ronnie had suggested I mention something from when we were dating, but I was the one who dove right in and brought up the first time we’d had sex…when I lost my virginity to him. Ohmygod. I couldn’t have referenced our first kiss? Or a time we’d snuggled? Nope. Ryan wasn’t the only one who was direct…

  Anna Romano: I told her I thought I might, but I didn’t know how you felt. That we usually skirted around the subject of our dating history in our emails. So she suggested I bring it up…to see how you responded.

  Ryan Jacobs: So that moment is what you chose to bring up?

  Gah!!

  Anna Romano: I know!! It’s just that the whole radio silence thing really did remind me of the time you went on that cruise, so it fit the moment.

  Ryan Jacobs: I see.

  Anna Romano: Did I just ruin this?

  Minutes ticked by as I awaited his response, chewing my fingernail. Did I scare him off? The icon was still lit next to his nam
e, so he hadn’t signed off.

  Ugh.

  Ryan Jacobs: You didn’t ruin anything, Anna. Just caught me by surprise is all. I know we don’t talk about the past, not that much anyway, but I don’t want you to think, not for one minute, that I’ve forgotten about it. About us. I think about you and all the times we had all the time. Some of those memories got me through some difficult times. I do still care about you, a lot. I don’t think those feelings will ever change. I haven’t let myself think of you as more than a friend since we started talking again because I know you’re not ready. You still have a lot of emotions to work through. I’m not sure I’m ready for that either, at least not while I’m away and can’t act on anything. But Anna, I do think about being with you again sometimes. You’re one of the most special people in my life, and maybe one day, we can see what happens.

  Mush. I was a puddle of mush. His words…

  Anna Romano: I understand.

  Ryan Jacobs: We good?

  Anna Romano: No. We’re great.

  ~ 17 ~

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: Pop Culture

  Dear Ryan,

  I feel like I’ve been living under a rock the last four years. Not only are Ronnie’s books totally different than anything I’d read before, but there are movies and TV shows and music I know absolutely nothing about.

  Ronnie lent me her iPod and she has all this new music on it, well, new to me. Lorde, Sam Smith, Hozier, and Meghan Trainor are just a few. I’m overwhelmed! And all these superhero TV series and movies? I wish I could go back in time and DVR them all. Netflix and Hulu will have to do. I was bummed to see The Vampire Diaries and Grimm are in their final seasons, but at least I still have Supernatural. I can’t believe all the ghost hunting shows that are on these days, though! I don’t know which to watch, so I record them all.

  I’m so overwhelmed by all this new entertainment. Please, give me some direction!

  Totally lost,

  Anna

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: RE: Pop Culture

  Anna,

  First of all, you’re listening to the wrong music. That’s the problem. Don’t be taking musical advice from Ronnie. She’s probably one square away from boy band bingo. Rock music is where it’s at. Download the Pandora app on your cell phone and check out Adelitas Way, Theory of a Deadman, and Seether. It’ll play some of their songs, and songs like them. I guarantee you’ll find some songs you like. Then we’ll talk music. I haven’t watched much TV in a while, so I can’t really help you out there. But you’ve got to catch up on the Batman and Avengers movies. That’s an order!

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: No thank you!

  Dear Ryan,

  Sorry, I’m not into that screamy stuff you listen to, so I’ll pass on your musical selections and stick to what I know…Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. And really? You don’t watch TV anymore? Even Supernatural? That kind of breaks my heart a little bit, Ryan. That first day…in art class, you started talking to me because I was sketching the anti-possession tattoo that Sam and Dean have. After that, I always looked forward to our weekly ritual of cookie dough ice cream and Supernatural.

  And you’re ordering me around now? Don’t worry, I’m already caught up on all the different Avengers’ movies. I think I’ll watch Guardians of the Galaxy next. I was kind of hoping that maybe we could watch some together, too, when you get back. Even if we have to do it over Skype. It would be fun. It’s been so long since we’ve watched a movie together.

  Talk to you soon,

  Anna

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: Listen to the music.

  Anna,

  Seriously, listen to the music. It’s not all screaming stuff. I know you don’t like that stuff, so I wouldn’t do that to you. The bands I suggested have some lighter stuff. And, while you’re at it, check out “Blank Space” by I Prevail. It’s a cover of Taylor Swift. It’s pretty good, but a little “screamy.”

  I’m glad you’re catching up on your superheroes. I’m definitely down for some catching up when I get back to the States. We’ll figure it out. Guardians of the Galaxy was awesome, good choice.

  It was hard watching Supernatural without you. It was our thing, you know? Plus, I didn’t have much free time to watch TV when I first enlisted. Then when I did watch it, it felt like something was missing. Maybe we can catch up on that sometime, too.

  Your musical genius,

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: Not so bad…

  Dear Ryan,

  Well, I’m not going to admit I was wrong since there were still some screamy songs, but I liked the bands you suggested, and the others that came up on the station. Breaking Benjamin is cool, too. Of course, Ronnie is freaking out because something other than Top 20 is playing in the house. *rolling my eyes*

  I get what you mean…about Supernatural, I tried to watch some old episodes online and it wasn’t the same for me either. Things are so different now than they were back then, you know? Times have changed so much that I’m not constantly reminded of our time together. Different songs play on the radio, different commercials on the TV…but every once in a while something reminds me of you, and I hold on to those moments as tightly as I can. It’s not like I’m afraid I’m going to forget you, that will never happen, I just miss you a lot, I guess.

  So the latest book Ronnie has loaned me is hilarious. It’s about a girl, her dad, and her brother taking a cross country trip before her brother gets married and her brother’s best friend joins them. I’ve laughed so hard in parts I actually snorted. It made me think of the first time I snorted in front of you. I thought I’d die of embarrassment!

  Blushing,

  Anna

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: Porky Pig

  Anna,

  I’d forgotten all about that. We were watching Ron White, weren’t we? That was hilarious. I called you Porky for weeks after that. It wasn’t as funny as the time you farted though.

  Holding my nose,

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: What?!

  Ryan,

  I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I don’t fart.

  Anna

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: Yes, you do.

  Dear Anna,

  Babe, everyone farts. Nothing to be ashamed of. No one can hold it in when they eat that much bean dip, they’d explode. That’ll teach you. Which reminds me, Cinco de Mayo is in a couple months! Do you have anything fun planned now that the warmer weather is settling in?

  Still holding my nose,

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: Summer

  Dear Ryan,

  Yeah, Ronnie has a list of things she wants me to do with her. There are a bunch of local food festivals coming up, and some art ones, too. My parents are talking about celebrating the Fourth of July on the lake. It’s been so long since I’ve done that, I’m looking forward to it. Last time I saw fireworks was with you, in more ways than one. ;)

  I should be getting my GED results soon. I hope I passed so I can start the college applications. I’ve been volunteering so much with Mom, I feel like my resume is quite padded in that department, but I kind of regret not getting a job since I’ve been home. I was just so focused on getting well that I didn’t even think about it. Plus, I worked my butt off while I was gone, so I could use the break.

  I’d better go. Ronnie has implemented mandatory book meetings on Mondays and Thursdays where I must discuss with her whatever book she’s forced me to read.

  Miss you,

 
Anna

  PS The books aren’t as much of a hardship as I make them out to be. I actually kind of like them, but giving Ronnie a hard time is too much fun.

  To: Anna Romano

  From: Ryan Jacobs

  Subject: You’ll pass.

  Dear Anna,

  Don’t worry about the GED. You’re the smartest person I know and you studied your ass off. You’re going to ace that thing, no question about it. Have a little faith in yourself, I do.

  So, you’re just going to avoid the whole fart conversation, huh?

  I’m glad you’re liking the books. Have you read that one with the whips and chains they turned into a movie? Is that what you’re reading, Anna? Sexy books? You dirty, dirty girl. You seriously have to tell me because I have all these wild thoughts running through my head, and in most of them, you’re not wearing much. ;)

  Your naughty dreamer,

  Ryan

  To: Ryan Jacobs

  From: Anna Romano

  Subject: You’re such a guy!